About The Idiot Testament


Mike and Phil are two guys who could do anything if they just put their minds to it. Unfortunately, their minds are usually occupied with movies, TV, video games, and the occasional get-rich-quick scheme involving giant, talking hamsters. Walking monuments to untapped potential, they stumble through life, working hard to avoid anything that might require actual effort, and completely certain that their next harebrained scheme will score them the fame and fortune that they probably don't deserve, but really, really want anyway. This is their chronicle, their Idiot Testament.

Dramatis Personae

Mike once considered himself a "people person", but that was before he got a job at a help desk, where, over the course of several thousand idiotic phone calls, he developed a burning hatred for humanity that rages to this day with the fury of a thousand suns. Apanthropic to the extreme, he will gladly go well out of his way to completely avoid contact with other human beings. It is highly unusual, then, that he continues to work at a help desk and really enjoys parties.

Clever and resourceful, Mike often hatches the schemes that he and his lifelong friend Phil frequently embroil themselves in.

He has been told he has a talent for words.

Phil is a technical wizard, a mechanical genius and a master problem solver; yet, somehow he still works at the same crappy call center help desk as Mike does. Even weirder, he shares an apartment with Mike and usually provides the know-how that makes Mike's dumb ideas actually work. Sort of.

Despite (or perhaps as a result of) his genius, Phil can be absentminded and forgetful. He also maintains a tenuous grip on an expensive addiction to the acquisition of electronic equipment and odd bits of technology on Ebay, an obsession that he does not actually consider a problem. He can quit anytime he wants.

He has a considerable talent for art, but he wouldn't admit it if you asked him.

Jinxie is Phil's little sister, and joined the cast on May 1st, 2005 to give the comic a much-needed feminine presence. "The Jinx" as she is commonly known among her own kind, is not only an avid (and rather adept) cosplayer, but she is also, far and away, the girliest girl that you could ever hope to encounter. Her appreciation for the gewgaws commonly associated with the female of the species -- fashionable clothing, makeup, handbags, jewelry and other accessories, borders on the stereotypical. She was a cheerleader in school, starred in many school plays and dramatic recitals, and is currently a semi-professional runway model and an aspiring actress and singer. Suffice to say, she is exactly the kind of girl who wouldn't give a couple of dorks like Phil and Mike the time of day if they were not linked by blood relation or childhood friendship.

She can usually be found updating her LiveJournal. Perhaps if you ask nicely, she'll let you read the protected entries.

The Raybot is the infinitely more user-friendly nickname that Mike and Phil have bestowed upon Industrial Cleaning Droid 3rd Class, Model RYBT-001. Purchased for less than $50 by Phil from a mysterious first-time seller on Ebay, and delivered on June 26, 2005, The Raybot is a fully bipedal, sentient, self-aware android capable of complex human interaction, emotional response and inferential logic.

While ostensibly, paying less than the cost of dinner for two at Red Lobster for such a mechanical marvel would seem like an incredible bargain, one has to wonder what manner of defect he could possibly possess that would inspire his previous owner to part with him. For his part, The Raybot has no memories of his previous owner, his previous assignment, or pretty much anything that has occurred before he came online in the shipping crate bound for Mike and Phil's doorstep.

To date, Mike and Phil have given little consideration to The Raybot's mysterious past, satisfied with the fact that he appears to be a competent housekeeper and possessed of numerous surprisingly useful properties such as a built-in electrical generator and a 24-port 10/100 switching Cisco router. The full extent of Ray's capabilties is still a mystery, as his modesty protocols will not let him allow Phil to perform a thorough examination. Phil has wisely decided not to press the issue, due to the recent revelation of Ray's ability to transform his right arm into a three-foot long titanium chainblade....

The Raybot can commonly be found shuffling around Mike and Phil's apartment, dusting things and humming quietly to himself. Despite the fact that they treat him with little more regard than they treat their other household appliances, he is very devoted to his new masters and wants nothing more than to please them. Fortunately for The Raybot (and Mike and Phil), their constant demands and orders make him feel useful and needed.

Fernwick, Mike's cousin, technically joined the cast on July 24, 2005. The word "technically" is used here because he has never actually been seen - the bulk of his appearances to date have been in the form of a disembodied set of eyes peering from the dark recesses of the furry gaping maw of his adorably marketable alter-ego: Hamferno the Giant Talking Hamster. Some say this is because Phil is too lazy to generate an actual character design for him. Others say it is because Mike possesses a latent inferiority complex stemming from Fernwick being bigger and stronger than him since childhood, and is exacting his bitter revenge by constantly humiliating him. Regardless of the reason, few can argue that Fernwick's misery is pure comedy gold, and the kids just love the hamster suit - they think he's a Pokémon.

If Fernwick ever finds his way out of the hamster suit, you might find out that he's a master strategist, a marketing genius and a devoted aficionado of the musical stylings of Billy Joel. But that's a big if.

Besides his job duties as Mike's abuse magnet, Fernwick runs the forums and looks forward to the day that someone besides Phil and Mike joins them.

Questions? Comments? Sandwiches? Send them all to Mike and Phil. Phil likes mayonnaise and is partial to Reubens, BTW. Mike likes blue drinks and "anything with bacon in it"